My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
