i wish there were pregnant emoticons
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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