The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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