Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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