Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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