who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
