god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
