So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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