so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
