Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he thought i was a dude.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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