Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
