the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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