I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well I just put wine in my tea
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
