i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
