Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
