please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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