So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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