i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
