There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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