she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
