Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
