My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
