If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
