One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
