You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the condom got lost in my hair
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
