He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
