he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
