I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
