I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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