he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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