if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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