Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
