I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
