I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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