Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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