Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
