i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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