Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
