Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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