I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
