you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
