im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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