She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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