My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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