Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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