Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i think my cat just said my name.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
