guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
