Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
