we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
