You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
