I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
