youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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