Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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